It isn’t easy being a natural Submissive at times. No we don’t just submit to just anyone, but our mind....well that tends to be another story. Just kidding...relax...
I knew when I was a freshmen in high school that I was different. I remember one day my now Ex boyfriend had driven me up a river road to his Dad’s house. Now this Ex is “Cowboy”...y’all remember him mentioned a while back??? Today is the day his story comes out. Now granted...”Cowboy” and I still do chat here and there. We of course now have our own families, but remain friends at a distance.
Anyways back to the story...One day Cowboy was driving us up to his Dad’s place in his truck. It was time to feed the horses since sunset was coming. Anyways on our way up to his and his Dad’s place thoughts of me being tied up popped into my head. I wanted him to tie me up ladies and gentlemen and have his way with me. I wanted him to tie me up and bend me over the passenger side seat and fuck me. I wanted him to drag me off into the barn...I mean the thoughts were dirty and for the longest time I thought something was wrong me.
Well we continued “dating” and he was my first real boyfriend so I was still scared and nervous and well....really scared, but not of him, but of my thoughts. I was taught that those thoughts are bad. That I would go to hell for them. Those thoughts always seemed fun and relaxed my mind though. All honesty those thoughts calm my mind. Still even to this day. Anyways....I NEVER told him ANY of these thoughts. I never told anybody.Till many years later...
Cowboy would pick me up from school and drive me to my Parent’s house. We had a play room with a dart board, ping-pong table, love seat and a tv so we went to the play room and would toss darts. He would go and then come my turn he would wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck. I would get so scared and nervous for getting in trouble with my parents because I wasn’t taught that it was okay to show affection. I rarely ever saw my parents show each other affection. So I would push him away and off me so we wouldn’t get into any trouble because back then I loved having him around. He made me laugh. My mind always went blank when I was around him. It was freeing. It was different and it was scary, but I felt safe
Omgoodness his truck...let me tell you about this truck he drove when we were together...It was a light blue truck...flat bed of course since he and his dad lived and worked on a ranch. Well that truck would ALWAYS break down. Right in front of my parents house too. Lol. I laugh about it now because back then it was one of the reasons why we broke up. That and I was crazy shy due to my thoughts. He would swear at his truck as he fixed it. I sat and watched him from my window because I wasn’t allowed out. Well we dated few more months before we eventually split. Our time together though I will always remember. He was a great man to me and had I not been to sheltered and taught certain things then maybe he and I would still be together. Rumor had it back then he was gonna ask me to be his lady. He even had/has the ring. Little ole me had to clue though and so things fell apart and we in time broke up. When he left everything in me broke and I became numb.
My heart had been broken and I was hurting badly. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again. So my next relationship I looked for someone like my Step-Dad because we were taught every girl wants a man like her Dad. Well let me tell you....that was WRONG!!! I did it though. I found a guy who would treat me great in front of others. Behind the closed doors unless things went his way and he was made happy I would. I was belittled and put down. I was told I would never find anyone because I had kids, I was over weight, I didn’t have a job...I mean they could make lists and it sucked.
One day my little spirit couldn’t take it anymore and I ran. None of that marriage was healthy and I knew he wasn’t the one I was supposed to marry. I moved while everyone was away and hid. I am still hiding to a point to make me feel safe and my mind calm a little.
During my divorce I found my Master and now only he can calm my mind with a kiss, touch, or voice. My Master is the only one I have talked about my Submissive side with. He is the only one who has let me be me and shine and let me tell you ladies...when you find “Mr. Right” let me tell ya...you will know. When you kiss you will feel yourself melt into his arms. You’ll be overcome with safety and feeling of safety. I remember when my Master and I had our first kiss...I had felt things I had NEVER EVER felt before. I knew my Master is the one I am supposed to be with. Almost 10 years later and my Master and I are very happy together.
My point today is if you feel safe and you feel it is right and you can sleep that night then go have fun and enjoy each other, but if you feel you have to be something you aren’t, hide the real you, or maybe you have to hide for safety then you REALLY need to get out of there and quickly. Don’t stay around anyone who makes you feel small, not safe, not wanted...you be you and SHINE!!!
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